You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
