your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So vagazzling was a success
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
