I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
my being single is dangerous.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
