I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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