There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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