getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
