I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
