Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
