Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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