I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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