I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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