one might say we're banned from that church
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
