he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I want to fling myself into the sun
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
