Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
