I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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