They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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