I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
