I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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