Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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