I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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