What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
nutella sex= disaster
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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