there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You ate ashes out of my bong
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
