This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
