overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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