the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
