Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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