I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
