God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
