I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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