I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
