Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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