Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
