I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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