to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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