so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
