It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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