he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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