He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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