youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
