saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
