yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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