I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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