The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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