Yo dont text me then not text me
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
