i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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