Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My ATM looks so different sober.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
