you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
