Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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