Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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