Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
