My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
