I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
